Modernly BORED Now
by Pepper Gem
Summary: The occupations of many Naruto characters if you were to place them in the real world. Inspiration for this? Sugary fruit-cake at 4 in the morning.


MODERNLY BORED NOW

MODERNLY _**BORED**_NOW

_**A-ka-tsu-ki niiiiiiiiiights and a-ka-tsu-ki daaaaayyyss…**_

So, if you stuck Akatsuki in the real world, what would they be doing?

--somewhere in the Middle East--

"DUCK!!"

Deidara charged behind a nearby brick house, diving face-first into the sand as he barely escaped the enemy's fire.

"FIRE NOW!" a soldier screamed out. Deidara created several microscopic butterflies out of clay and detonated them with his most powerful chakra, C-4.

"Hmm!" Deidara felt relieved, "And my explosions win the battle again! This war's gonna be over before they know it, hmm!"

--at a Catholic church--

And the choir sang, "Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, halleluuuuuuuuuuuuuuujah…" until a certain white-haired man found the song to be overly-repetitive and stormed out of the church, cursing like crazy.

"I'm starting the Jashin religion ASAP!" Hidan marched to the internet.

--New York--

"This is too complicated…" a newcomer to the world of banks slammed his checkbook onto the booth table and sighed. "Just give me my money!"

"But you have to do this and this and this...Oh, and sign here…" the bank employee pointed to a blank line on a piece of paper.

"I demand to see the manager of this bank!"

The employee sighed. "KAKUZU!"

"HOLD ON, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF COUNTING…SOMETHING! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE AFTER I STOP AT MY HOUSE FOR A SEC…"

--Somewhere in some circus--

Sasori sat on the stage with a puppet on his lap. To the audience's great amusement, the puppet began to speak!

"Cut my strings off and let me go, I don't want to be here!"

Sasori's eyes grew wide. "No! You're supposed to say something to amuse them! Make me come off as a ventriloquist!" he whispered

Sasori smiled and waved, trusting his little puppet to make the act an amazing one.

The people looked at Sasori – then to the puppet – then to Sasori – then when they looked at the puppet again, it was gone.

"Skip this, I hate you, Sasori!" the puppet screamed as it ran off…….O.O

--Chicago--

"Wooo!!" the small crowd cheered. They were all huddled in a Chicago alleyway, watching…who?

"Go Tobi! Go Tobi!" they chanted as Tobi showed off his pwnsum break-dancing skillz in a dance-off; his gangsta hat completely obscuring his face in place of that odd orange mask.

And yes, in the end, he did beat that guy and win the girl!

--Hollywood--

"Zetsu, you make a great stage prop!! You hold the world record for cultivating the larges Venus Flytrap plant known to man! We could use you in a horror movie!" the film director waved her hands dramatically through the air, as if picturing something incredible. "One dark night, a young woman is separated from her boyfriend in the jungle on a safari in Africa! She runs along to find him, but all of a sudden she's 'eaten' by (what looks like) a giant plant! He actually turns out to be a strange-looking but trustworthy young man whom she eventually falls in love with after realizing that her other boyfriend was totally wrong for her!"

"Miss, don't make me eat you. I AM a plant."

"Uh…um…"

--At some emo/goth outlet in a mall--

All of the girls squealed as they went inside. The one boy that was with them looked up at the name of the store: "Pein's Piercing Pagoda"……………………………….

The moment he saw Pein's face, he ran screaming for fear of how his gal-friends would look afterward…and decided never to speak to them again.

--At some craft store in the same mall--

"Now, girls, you fold the paper like this…" Konan was teaching a biweekly origami class to a bunch of frustrated teenagers.

"Aggh!" one girl ripped her already-mutilated creation to shreds. "Paper isn't supposed to do that, that's impossible!"

"Sheesh, Konan-sensei, how strong ARE your fingers?!"

"I give up!"

The group stomped out of the building, leaving Konan behind in the dust.

"That was only the third step…" she mumbled, on the verge of tears.

--Later that night--

"Pein-kun?" Konan entered their home with a very depressed air about her.

"Aww, honey, what's wrong?" Pein motioned that she come over to the couch and sit beside him.

"This is the sixth class in a row that's quit my origami class after only the third step…" Konan stuck her head on Pein's shoulder. He took a look at the origami flower in her hair, and finally took the time to realize how difficult and nearly impossible the model was.

"Then…maybe you should tone it down a little…" he sweat-dropped when he noticed the origami ring on her finger _absolutely identical_ in shape to her own wedding ring and thought, _That IS impossible_…

--Seaworld, in Florida--

"And now watch, as our own amazing Kisame the Shark performs a trick for you! He's the first shark ever to be tamed here at Seaworld!" the narrator announced to the intently-listening audience.

Kisame gracefully jumped out of the water and caught a fish.

"Good shark!!" the narrator announced again, and the audience went _**wild!!**_

--At a hypno-therapy center--

"Please lay back…" Itachi asked a patient. "Now, look into my eyes…"

The patient did so and Itachi erased part of her memory with the hypnotizing abilities of his Sharingan.

The patient immediately sat up and proclaimed that she felt a lot better.

The manager of the building shook his head with surprise and told a nearby professional hypnotist, "I still don't know how he does it so fast, and it works every time!"

And the secret of Itachi's Sharingan still remained unknown to his fellow hypnotists.

--Later, in Hollywood, after Zetsu had left--

"OROCHIMARU!" the director that had an encounter of another kind with Zetsu called.

"What is it?"

"You're on make-up and hair duty for the actors in 5!"

"Leave it to me!" Orochimaru shook his head to show off his beautiful, silky black hair. "They'll all look thuper thtunning before you guyth know it!"

…O.O

So….what would everyone else be doing in the real world?

--At some concert…--

"SAASUUKKEEE!!" all the girls screamed as Sasuke the emo teen idol walked on stage with his band and started rocking _hard _on that electric guitar.

--In a hospital--

"Sakura! There's more traumas, come to the ER immediately!"

Sakura rushed over to the injured humans being carted on wheeled beds and placed her hand over one man's wounds.

"Heal-a-wound-no-jutsu!"

Sakura paused when she realized nothing was happening. "That's right! I can't use jutsu in this world! Aww…"

--on the news--

"We have breaking news! McDonalds has just been bought for 20 billion dollars by one Naruto Uzumaki! He's told our awesome, number-one, top-of-the-line hard-to-beat reporters that he's going to re-name it Ichiraku and serve nothing but ramen!! After that, he says his aim is to become President of the United States so that all Americans will finally acknowledge him not as the twit that overtook McDonalds, but as a brave leedle-I-mean-leader!"

--At a book club--

"So, girls, what did you think of the book?" the club leader asked the members.

"Paradise under the Pale Moon was the best book I've ever read! The drama! The heartache! The fluttering love!"

Many of the other girls started squealing in agreement.

"THE HOT GUYS!!"

The club leader was startled by this sudden reaction and soon regained her composure. "Seeing as you all loved it so much, I'd like to inform you that author Kakashi Hatake will be coming out with a sequel next month… 'Violence under the Pale Moon'…"

The girls started squealing again. "DID YOU SEE HIS PICTURE INSIDE THE COVER?!"

"YEAH, HE'S SO DREAMY!"

"I WANT HIM TO WRITE A BOOK WITH THE MAIN CHARACTERS BEING ME AND HIM!!"

"YEAH!! 33333"

And the group was kicked out of the library for being too noisy; also, the book club, at the exact same moment, was officially cancelled.

--In another mall--

Ino became a hair stylist/clothing designer – her creations were the latest Ninja Fashions brought to the real world!

--At a college--

"We congratulate this young student upon graduating after only a year studying here!" some announcer guy said. The audience at the graduation ceremony gave a standing ovation. "He has a perfect grade point average of 6.0!"

The announcer stepped aside and gestured for people to send the man out from behind the curtains.

"SHIKAMARU! STOP SLEEPING AND GET OUT HERE!"

--The Annual Pie-Eating and Hotdog-Eating Contests--

"AND CHOUJI AKIMICHI IS AGAIN THE WINNER!!"

--In a cemetery--

The gravestone read, "Here lies Asuma Sarutobi, who died from smoking too much."

--Girl Scouts--

"Today, girls, we will practice bravery! Courage! Decision-making!" Hinata yelled – I mean, just about whispered – to the young little girl scouts.

"Wow," Kiba had stopped by to check on his lovely girlfriend's first day of leading the little Scouts, "She sure has come out of her shell!"

--Later…--

Kiba left to go help his older sister Hana run the Inuzuka veterinary clinic.

"Kiba, come quick!" she called to him.

Kiba rushed over to the room from which her voice came from. "What is it?!"

"Akamaru…he sure looks like a boy dog, but he just gave birth a few minutes ago to a litter of baby pug-dogs…"

Kiba was star-struck and found no words to say.

Adding to his shock, Hana said, "And, the DNA tests say the father is Pakkun."

"What….The…Yo…." Kiba fainted.

--At an entomology center--

Yeah, this is where you'd find Shino.

--In a cemetery--

Kurenai wiped the tears from her eyes after placing flowers on Asuma's grave. Then, she went to go pick up her daughter from Hinata's girl scout meeting (That was a bit of a time skip but let's pretend her daughter is that old!), and then she went to Ino's hair salon – how else does she keep her hair that gorgeous?

--at a triathalon--

"HOLY….HE FINISHED THE COURSE IN 20 MINUTES!!"

"Who did?"

"THE MAN BY THE NAME OF…"

dramatic music

"ROCK LEE!"

--Somewhere over the rainbow--

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's plastic mannequin girl!"

One of the narrators for the beginning of the film nudged the one that just spoke. "What the heck? It's not plastic mannequin girl! It's professional stuntman Gai Maito!"

--At a psychic reading booth at some carnival or something--

"Come here and let me tell you your destiny…" Neji welcomed many into the little hut, and somehow, all of their 'destinies' were their real destinies indeed, for he saw into their minds with his Byakugan and therefore could foretell their futures by what happened in their past.

--At a ninjutsu school--

"Well done, Tenten! You'd make a splendid ninja! Your skill with a samurai sword is unbeatable!"

Tenten sweat-dropped as she already WAS a ninja in a different world whose skill with sharp weapons was unbeatable…

--Working alongside Orochimaru…--

"Orochimaru, do you need help with the make-up duty?" Gaara asked. "Sand makes a wonderful exfoliant for the face, and my skill with eye-liner and tweezers is unsurpassed."

"Sure, Gaara-thama, your help with the make-up would be quite thplendid."

--

Kankuro's fate is the same as Sasori's, though, in his spare time, he helps Gaara with make-up duty in Hollywood.

--I dunno, Oregon?--

Temari now works for the lumber industry, chopping down trees with her impressive gigantic fan whose wind could fall trees.


End file.
